On Blooming Late

I’ve accepted that I’m one of those people who experience things at a slower pace and learn via a more languid approach. I tend to take my time growing into things, and getting familiar with my situation and surroundings. It doesn’t help that I’m slow to move in the morning. That’s why I find it very convenient that I no longer have to make a mad dash for the train doors before they close, and that I have, for the time being, traded my stilettos for fluffy bedroom slippers. My “office” is now wherever I can connect to the internet.

In terms of being a late bloomer, I can list so many examples showing why I’ve taken this description to heart, and here are a few:

• I got my first kiss and first boyfriend at 20, an age where most girls are touching bases and hitting homeruns in the XOXO department.

• Of the seven girls in my high school barkada, all have gotten married ahead of me, and my own nuptials are about two years away from the last girl’s I do’s. She now has two babies. I reckon I am going to be the last to bear children as well; probably when my friends’ kids’ are in high school is my wild guess.

• Back when I did Taekwondo, most of my teammates got their black belts within two years. I (finally) got mine by the fourth year.

• In terms of writing, my former boss gave herself a deadline of one year to finish her second novel. I’ve been working on my own manuscript for years, with plenty of pit stops along the way. And just when I thought I’d finished, it turns out I need to overhaul the whole thing. So far, I’ve spent the past couple of months paying closer attention to the delicate and intricate mix of plot, conflict, and resolution, and making sure I have a better understanding of how to incorporate the three to make for a compelling story. Ask me where I am now in terms of editing and rewriting? Chapter 3.

Sometimes I get frustrated with myself. But most of the time, honestly, I’m okay with it. If stretching things out over time is the best way for me to learn and understand life, slow be it.

I was reading O, The Oprah Magazine wherein the famous talk show host had recently interviewed Jay-Z (The O Interview; “Oprah Talks to Jay-Z”; October 2009; p.184). In it, the rapper, entrepreneur, and music producer listed his favorite books. Among them was Outliers by Malcom Gladwell.

“This book is about the principles of timing and repetition—about preparing yourself for luck, really,” Jay-Z shares. “[The author] talks about a hockey team, and how the players born in January had a year up on the guys born in December.”

At this point, I cringe and get a bit worried: My birthday is in December. I think to myself, So is Jay-Z saying I’ll never really be successful simply because of my birth month? I keep reading. “They were fortunate that their birthday was early, but they also practiced—they put the work in.”

Whew! Reading further, I discover Jay-Z’s birthday is also in December. Double whew!

So the point, after all, is the amount and quality of work one puts in. I now realize, I may be slow, but I get a kick out of being productive. True, I make a ‘Today to-do’ checklist for Monday and actually end up ticking everything off by Thursday, but at least when I look back on the sheet after some time, I know I’ve crossed everything out—I’ve done what had to be done and have tangible results to show for my efforts.

And by then, the pace by which I’d finished, experienced, and accomplished something no longer matters.

Part of this month's Cosmo Series, 10th of 16 posts also published at Cosmo.ph.
(Image courtesy of stock.xchng®)

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No-nonsense Career Advice

Be more than her coffee-runner.

When it comes to dishing career advice, I’d be the first to tell you that I may not be the right person to listen to. After all, in the span of two years, I’d managed to hold three jobs and leave/lose all of them within the same time frame for varying reasons I won’t expound on in this entry. So why even offer any semblance of career therapy, right?

But then again, those three jobs were all in New York City, the most demanding marketplace in the world, I believe. And over the last two years, I’ve corresponded with close to a hundred contacts and gone to several job interviews (I’ve lost count). So if honest-to-goodness career realizations are what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

Before my Big Apple roller coaster ride, I worked in the same company (Summit Media!) for close to seven years straight, working for different titles and enjoying steady and marvelous growth. When I moved abroad, I noticed a totally different work scenario from what I was accustomed to. But along with culture shock, I also discovered common denominators and tips that work across the board and level the playing field somewhat. Here are some useful on-the-job notes:

1. Be brave and visible.
In my early days as an editorial assistant, I worked in my own bubble, within my own team, not really being aware of my surroundings and anything remotely close to the structure and hierarchy of the company. True, I knew who our big boss was, but I was so shy and self-conscious that whenever I would bump into her, I would scurry away with nary a ‘Hello.’

After two years of being E.A. and noticing chirpier contemporaries advance to higher editorial positions, I got fidgety and began to reflect on what I was doing wrong.

The first thing I noticed was I wasn’t dressing for the position I wanted. And that’s basic Career Advice 101. So I started getting polished and prepped for work everyday. Little things like wearing skirts more often, putting on makeup, or choosing work-appropriate footwear (in the magazine world this meant donning a little heel).

I also started saying ‘Hi!’ to our boss whenever I’d see her in the hallway, and gathered the guts to approach her for certain things I needed at work. She’s actually a really nice woman and I was intimidating myself unnecessarily.

I realized that this strategy worked on my fourth year on the job, when I was finally an editor. We were at a lunch event and our big boss introduced me to one of our major advertisers.

"This is Mariel and she’s the beauty editor of Seventeen." She looked at me and said, "You’ve been with us for, what, two years?"

I smiled and politely replied, "Oh, actually, four." It was a memorable lunch because then I knew my career ‘tweak’ paid off: I was no longer the ‘invisible’ employee. It had been two years since my light bulb moment, when I decided to take concrete steps in becoming the editor I wanted to be and getting over my ‘authority shyness.’

I’m not saying you should be obnoxious and act like you’re campaigning for office at work; on the flipside, that can annoy people who can be integral to your growth. The point is, getting to know people and observing structures outside your area of expertise can help you become a more well-rounded asset to the company, which down the line opens doors to new and fulfilling opportunities.

2. Get to know your boss.
No, this isn’t a call to cyber-stalk your boss or Google the ends of cyberspace to get the dish on her divorce/annulment or anything creepy like that. (Besides, if you know too much info, it makes for an uncomfortable conversation once he or she eventually warms up to you and starts sharing personal stories.)

A productive way to get to know the person running your department or company is to read any professional material she’s previously produced. If she’s a published author, read her books. If she’s a teacher, look for citations and transcripts in the library, or maybe even her thesis if she’s just recently graduated from college or grad school. Getting to know her this way, outside of work but still work-related, gives you a more enlightened perspective of what to expect and may even give you a glimpse of her business ethic.

When I worked for Hearst Corporation (Cosmo’s parent company in the U.S.), I’d avidly read Basic Black by president Cathie Black, and You On Top by Cosmo editor, Kate White. (Both books are must-read career resources by the way.) As much as I always got star-struck whenever I saw them in the building, having read their books gave me a better sense of the work they did and who they were, which in turn inspired me to keep at what I was doing.

3. Let your boss know what you want.
Informing your immediate superior at what direction you see yourself going is a win-win situation: You save her (or him) time to figure out what to do with you and where to promote you when the time comes for movement; you, on the other hand, come to work everyday confident, knowing you’re headed somewhere.

By my fourth year at Seventeen, I knew I was ready to “graduate” to an older women’s title—like Cosmopolitan. I mentioned this one time to my then boss. It just so happened that within months, a position did open at Cosmo, and the new editor approached my boss to check in and discuss my availability. So by the time the new ed offered me the position, my boss already knew and the transition between the two jobs turned out to be smooth and drama-free.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself working for someone whom you dread having this conversation with, it’s time to reassess if this is the person you want to work for and devote precious hours to. A boss should be open-minded, nurturing, and generous. If your own supervisor is preventing you from advancing in career (and consequently, in life), it may be time to jump ship.

In the workplace, superiors who stop you from pursuing bigger goals and dreaming big are not the types of people you’d want to surround yourself with.

The only time you should ignore this tip is if:

a. Your work is output-based and constant interaction with your immediate boss isn’t a daily requirement. (Meaning, you’ll still be able to do your job and answer to higher-ups whether or not he or she checks in on you.)

b. You absolutely love, love, love your job regardless of who’s manning the wheel and calling the shots. And when push comes to shove, you’re positive that other people in the company can vouch for you.

4. Learn the value of a back-up plan.
I actually came across the concept of freelancing early in my magazine career when I learned that our features editor was able to afford a trip to Europe from writing jobs she took on the side.

Just a warning and disclaimer, though, for sidelines: First of all, make sure they don’t interrupt your main job. Second, ideally, you should be able to tell your boss that you have these other things on your plate. If you aren’t comfortable telling her, you might want to reread the previous section.

After I lost my first ‘major’ job in the city, I became very paranoid about not having enough resources in the event anything like that ever happened again. As a result, I tried to be diligent with my weekly newspaper column and kept pursuing other writing and editing revenue streams. So when I found myself (day) jobless the second time around, I knew exactly what to do. Yes I was majorly bummed and depressed, but I didn’t find myself penniless.

Try this exercise: What's the worst thing you can think of happening in your current job? Is it getting laid off? Making a boo-boo that will get you fired? If this happens, what is your plan of action? Once you’ve run this through your head, in the event the unmentionable happens, you’ll be surprised how calm (despite the initial shock) you’ll handle the situation. Call it a dress rehearsal for your emotional well-being.

Part of this month's Cosmo Series, ninth of 16 posts also published at Cosmo.ph.

(Image courtesy of Touchstone Pictures)

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A little TV break...

Spend funny Friday nights with Gus and Shawn on Psych.

I hope you're all enjoying the Cosmo Series. I'm almost at the homestretch (more than halfway the 16 posts). So yesterday, Friday, after submitting one post and working on the next two drafts, I decided to reward myself and finally make a chocolate cake I've been wanting to make since early this week. I'll blog about that in the next entry and post pics, too.

Evenings are usually when I move from the desktop computer and to the bed and get on my laptop to either blog or work on pending deadlines. And as of this month, I've decided to make 11pm to 1am my manuscript editing schedule.

Anyway, last night, after making the cake, I went to bed earlier than usual and watched TV.

I have a funny relationship with TV: I can go for months without watching, or get glued for hours until my eyes get droopy. If I had Direct TV I probably would have totally different viewing habits. (If you live in the US, click here for more info on Directv and get up to 5 months free when you subscribe.)

Two of my favorite shows to watch are Psych and Burn Notice, and a third I'm curious about is White Collar—out on October 23. All are part of the roster of shows on USA Network (House, Monk, etc.).

Psych (pictured above) features fake-psychic Shawn Spencer and best friend Burton Guster who help the Santa Barbara Police Department solve crimes. Shawn has developed a heightened awareness of his surroundings thanks to the strict and regimented upbringing of his police officer father, Henry, played by L.A. Law alum Corbin Bernsen (who also has great comic timing).

Gabrielle Anwar and Jeffrey Donovan play sleuthing spies in Burn Notice, back this winter.

Burn Notice, on the other hand, is slightly more serious, featuring burned spy, Michael Westen. I've been following it for a few seasons now and it's gotten a bit darker and grittier over time, but still overall fun to watch, with Fiona and Sam (played by Gabrielle Anwar and Bruce Campbell) as Michael's smart and dashing 'sidekicks.'

"White Collar is about the unlikely partnership of a con artist and an FBI agent who have been playing cat and mouse for years," according to the USA Network website. Click on the image below to read up on the upcoming series. I'm guessing Matt Bomer, who plays con artist Neal Caffrey hired by the FBI to help catch other white collar criminals, is the network's answer to Don Draper of Mad Men—a show I have yet to watch.

(For more info on DirectTV, visit http://www.blogtelevision.net.)

Images courtesy of http://download-apps.net (Psych), http://zoknows.wordpress.com (Burn Notice), and http://www.usanetwork.com (White Collar).

Three Types of Men to Avoid

Is the guy you're seeing anything like John Tucker?

Because of my previous post, that nasty lawyer I dated briefly (who broke it off with me via text) crossed my mind again. I realized, while I haven’t been out in a while (I’m getting married to my boyfriend of five years), I could properly categorize chumps that women in the dating scene should steer clear of. I am assuming these warning signals will still hold water for a long time coming. Beware of…


…The "Busy" Big-Shot Flake

I once met Mark* through a group date. (This was around the time after my Blind Date Boo-Boo.) He was a successful finance guy who partied/went to college in Boston, who had a brimming platter of back-to-back activities. I was impressed: I’d never dated anybody so…high profile? My circle at the time consisted of co-writers and editors, struggling artists, and bohemian rockclimbers. Yuppies were like aliens from outer space.

One time he asked me, “What do you spend your money on?” I was baffled—because he meant it on a level of cars, interior design, or maybe even investments. I was a young editor on a young-editor salary. I 'splurged' on Starbucks and shelled out cash for pulled clothing and accessories I wanted to keep, which also explained why I was always broke. Oh yes, and I also paid rent: the concept of which was as alien to him as crunching numbers was foreign to me.

Suffice it to say we became quite fond of each other. I was amused by his world and, with his sheltered upbringing, he was amused by mine (“This is the age of women who drive themselves!” he once exclaimed, referring to my very 'independent' way of living by not having a driver. Okay…) He had so much going on, all these grand plans for himself. He spent Saturdays running big errands, like scouring dealerships deciding on what car to upgrade to or shopping for Scuba gear.

Here’s the catch: He filled up his plate so much that I kind of fell off the menu. He told me he just got carried away at first, but he wasn’t ready for a relationship (we were actually both rebounding from long-term exes).

One Friday night he called to check in and said, “Hey, I’ll call you back in five minutes.”

He called back the next Friday. And then I never heard from him again.


…The Lying Ladies Man

Ah, Raffy*…I’ll never forget him. Why? He was dreadful! But of course it took me almost four months to figure that out. Raffy was the lawyer who swept me off my feet by playing the role of the perfect suitor, and his stories played out perfectly, at least in the beginning.

“How many girlfriends have you had after Elaine*?” I asked.

“Two,” he replied. “[Name of ex-girlfriend #1] and [name of ex-girlfriend #2].”

“Oh, wow.” I’d assumed after getting his college girlfriend, Elaine, knocked up, he had a whole roster of lady loves. Two was quite a conservative number, judging from his reputation of being a Class A flirt.

Naive as I was (and remember, since I shy away from lying, I am quick to assume people around me do the same) I never questioned his stories. Two ghosts of girlfriends past it is, plus the mother of his child. Surely I could handle that.

Despite later on noticing a large circle of women friends, long and intimate phone calls with them—he would promptly put the phone down as I entered the room—and even going as far as seeing him walking around law school side by side with one of these friends(?), I kept dating him. I brought him food and candy during study sessions and practically became his bar exam caretaker.

The thing with us women is that we persist and persevere in an effort to make something work, even if it means putting up with bad behavior, dealing with immense stress, and going against our gut. And for all those months, my gut kept screaming, “No!” Even my beloved, sharp-witted grandmother, who’s never met him, promptly gave him the thumbs down.

Raffy turned out to be stressful to be with, selfish, insecure, hostile, uptight, and not anything like he was during the courtship stage. I always had to take freezing showers at his apartment, because he wouldn't turn on the heater, fearing his electric bill would go up. It didn’t help that the bar exams brought out the worst in him: he yelled at me on the phone and treated me like…gosh, I don’t even remember; the details are lost on me. All I can recall is this general feeling of dreadfulness.

Eventually our relationship deteriorated. Yes, at the very end, via SMS. A few weeks after the ‘breakup’ (we never really got together officially as a couple), I bumped into one of his friends, who assumed we were still seeing each other.

She asked, “Hey, are you coming with us to the beach?”

“Oh, no. Raffy and I aren’t seeing each other anymore,” I answered.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that. Did he ever mention that I was his ex-girlfriend?”

“Really? Um, no…” I trailed off, thinking how this girl was definitely not on the two-girlfriends list.

And then I wondered: So how many ‘undeclared’ girls did this guy have? I never really found out.


…The Elusive Drama King

Josh* was absolutely hot. At least that's what I remember from when I first laid eyes on him eons ago. He had the perfect rocker, bad-boy vibe: rugged Doc Martens, pierced ears, and a perma-five o’ clock shadow. He was also smart, diligent, and graduated on time (I didn’t, by the way).

Years later we would actually start hanging out. I thought I’d found a kindred spirit in Josh: We were both relatively ‘weird,’ eloquent with our thoughts and were able to put into words our feelings about the world and music—but unfortunately not our feelings for each other. I could never figure him out. He was just so…elusive.

One time, we went running. While stretching post-workout, he asked:

“Are you hungry?”

I answered, “Yeah…you?”

“Yup. And I’m having dinner at home.”

“Oh, okay. Bye.”

Talk about unpredictable. I thought he was going to suggest grabbing a bite somewhere.

This went on for a couple of weeks. He would call and ask how I was, and then abruptly say goodbye. Or send an SMS, and never reply to any follow up texts.

I finally snapped out of this "Does he like me?" hot-and-cold reverie when I bumped into a hot(ter) model whom I haven’t seen since I’d worked with him at a shoot a few years earlier. We flirted all evening at an event, and exchanged numbers by the end of the night. He promptly text-messaged. But he turned out to have a girlfriend (oops) so we never dated. What I took away from the experience though was that if a guy were into you, he’d show it—CLEARLY. He would even go out on a limb to make you feel like royalty.

Bottomline is, the E.D.K. either likes you but makes you work hard for it; or is conflicted enough to give you mixed signals. You’ll need a lot of pushing, prodding, walking on eggshells... But is that really what you want? I mean, if you enjoy a challenge, why not try Capoeira? Or train for a marathon? A relationship (or the beginnings of one) should be fun, lighthearted, and breezy. If you’re already working so hard now, can you imagine what it’d be like when this guy is actually your boyfriend?

On the flipside, the elusive guy may be acting the way he is because…he’s not into you (you’ve already read this so many times, right?). So move along. As in the case of Josh, he was acting strange and lukewarm because he was actually already seeing somebody else: a married woman whose situation already merited a barrage of drama in his life that I had absolutely nothing to do with! Don’t ask how I found this out; that qualifies for another (embarrassing) Cosmo Confession post.

In retrospect, I’m not bummed by the dating choices I’ve made in the past. In fact, I feel enlightened by these experiences. After all, with every glitch comes a lesson and realization that eventually leads to the right path, and God-willing, the right man.


Part of this month's Cosmo Series, eighth of 16 posts also published at Cosmo.ph.
(Image courtesy of RottenTomatoes.com)

*names have been changed.

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Slut...or Not

Never judge: The "Samantha" you know may be more like Charlotte.

I know at least three women who have, in the past, been branded “easy” or worse, “slutty” because of either their sexy way of dress or aggressive dating habits (or a quick turnover of dates, for that matter).

But surprise, surprise: These women, at the time these labels were slapped on, were actually VIRGINS, and the first men they've incidentally bedded were either their longtime boyfriends, and/or the men who became their husbands. And all of them have been nothing but faithful. Shocked? It gets even better: The real "sluts" are now hardworking career women and mothers living successful married lives. Though their reputation may have preceded them in the past, (someone I knew in college was notorious for getting down and dirty with her boyfriend in the parking lot) they're now cruising life in the fast and fabulous lane. Talk about having the last laugh.

The moral of the story here is, don't judge...at all. Whether it's the touchy-feely class flirt or the girl who loves a plunging neckline at work, resist the urge to propagate nasty rumors. It's a total waste of time.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd ever been labeled something horrible. After all, I did work in Cosmo and met gorgeous models. (One time, my cousin’s husband totally freaked and thought I was at a seedy nightclub when he saw me on TV at a Bachelor Bash! I had to explain that it was, um, work.) But I guess when it comes to these things, the recipient of a shameful moniker can never really find out the full extent of her reputation. I’d like to think I've kept a good one throughout the years, but again, I’ll never know, right?

What I do know is that in those years I spent being single and meeting different kinds of guys, my dates all ended with dessert of the wholesome kind and me driving myself home—alone. I think that was the ironic side of having my own space early on; I became more discerning (bordering on paranoid—my apartment was tiny yet you needed to go through two locked doors to get to my bedroom door) of the people I invited over.

I once did bring a dreadful lawyer home who kept insulting my place for being a fire hazard and for not having air-conditioning at the time. Like fungi, he didn’t stay—in my home and in my life—for very long.

I love how my friend, Frances, takes it all in stride when it comes to pointless tittle-tattle:

“Gossip is evil and you truly cannot do anything about it. If you protest, it will fuel it. And they'll never believe you anyway.”

She adds, “If all the gossip I heard about me were true, I'd have lost my virginity to 30 boys at varying times, been many times pregnant, had them all aborted, stole at least 50 boyfriends, and have had tons of bastards, too. Incredible. My life is such an open book…And yet, nasty false rumors like those surface again and again.”

“[On another note,] only very important people get gossiped about. It's dumb consolation but it's true.”


Part of this month's Cosmo Series, seventh of 16 posts also published at Cosmo.ph.
(Image courtesy of HBO.com)

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